There’s more to it than subway maps and spiritual cycling. My first year in New York has been quite the whirlwind. But in between the heights of steel and emotions, I’ve had a good amount of space to sink down deep into my own awareness and think about my journey. If we turned back time 365 days, here are the five lessons that I would aim to teach myself at the start of this adventure.
ONE: Lean into your fear.
No one likes to wake up every morning feeling like you’re going to throw up. But better to have that feeling come from excitement than from hating your life.
Last summer while I was searching for the courage to move away from my hometown of Nashville, my good friend, Donte, mentioned a very helpful book. Admittedly, last summer was an era riddled with what ifs: what if I can’t afford it, what if I can’t make friends, what if I hate it. The name of the book he suggested was called Feel the Fear, and Do it Anyway, and the premise is that fear is often a guide showing us what we need to do. Of course, there’s the survival type of fear which protects your being. But there’s the more populous type of fear which often causes people to unnecessarily shut down, to not chase their aspirations, and to ultimately dwell in a so-called “comfort zone.” This is oversimplifying, but hey, this is a SparkNotes version.
One of my favorite chapters in the book is the first which helps you identify what you’re really afraid of and why.
One line reads: “At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can’t handle whatever life may bring you.”
But you’ve handled everything up until now, and you must convince yourself that you will handle whatever else comes your way in the future. Fear cannot hinder action, and if it does, that’s where you’ll find trouble. The only route from pain to power is through action, and yes, it requires that you lean into your fear.
TWO: Start now. As in, be today who you want to be tomorrow.
I saw a grown man playing on the monkey bars this morning.
And I thought to myself: Now there is a brave man. Not just because New York has a law against adults playing on playgrounds. But because how dare this man not be somewhere else doing something more important, something more spiritual or centered around his future, planning his 401(k) or getting groceries for his family.
It was a silly thought, this conditioning I have. That there’s no time for playgrounds as adults. Being brave doesn’t always feel like jumping out of an airplane without saying you’re scared. Sometimes it feels more like quietly leaving your emotionally abusive partner, or slowing down your life long enough to soak it in, or immersing in new cultures, or forgiving someone you hurt you and doesn’t deserve forgiveness, or even seeing a simple need in the world and then filling it. Sometimes courage sounds more like a language of grunting and swearing than it does: “Hope is patient, joy is right around the corner, everything is perfect.”
Sometimes everything’s just not okay.
Be brave anyways.
In your mind, you know who you want to be. Be that person today. If you want to have a closer relationship with God, pray today. If you dream of being a writer, then write. If you want to be in a meaningful relationship tomorrow, find meaning with your own life today. If you want to be a personal trainer, train yourself the best you can today.
“One of the biggest fears that keeps us from moving ahead with our lives is our difficulty in making decisions… Sometimes I feel like the proverbial donkey between two bales of hay - unable to decide which one I want, and, in the meantime, starving to death. The irony, of course, is that by not choosing, we are choosing -- to starve. We are choosing to deprive ourselves of what makes life a delicious feast.” (Feel the Fear, And Do It Anyway)
THREE: Let go.
There are people and habits and material things that don’t serve you or your mission anymore. This is a great reason to let them go right now. It’s best for you, but it’s also best for them. Cleansing your life of negativity is not only liberating, but it frees up your time and emotional space for things that are more helpful in becoming who you want to be.
That will hurt like crazy. Your initial reaction will likely be to feel guilty, especially if it was someone or something close to your heart. Know that this is natural. But also realize, you must decide if you’re living your life for them or for yourself. And until you decide to live it for yourself, life will never be fully satisfying. (Please note: I don’t believe that ‘living for yourself’ is in any way opposite or contradictory to living for God. After all, faith is a choice you must make, so I put these under the same classification.)
Let go, and make yourself open to receiving more positive things.
FOUR: Forgive yourself.
Try as hard as you possibly can, there will still be times when you will fail. Mistakes happen. And sometimes we just miss the mark.
Be thankful. These moments signal growth. They show that we are trying, that we are working hard for what we believe in. Learn from these mistakes, listen to trusted feedback, and take every opportunity to make yourself better from these situations.
But then stop there.
Do not beat yourself up about it. Do not weave a mistake into the fabric of your being. Yes, you were guilty. That doesn’t mean you need to be ashamed. You did something wrong, but you yourself are not wrong. Learn to separate these two so that it doesn’t cloud your self-image. Then make sure you forgive yourself. Fully forgive yourself.
FIVE: Be authentic.
If you’ve made it this far, you’re doing well. Really well.
Congratulations.
You’ve taken a leap of faith, you’ve conquered a fear or two. You’re working to create the life you want. You’ve seen your share of hiccups, but you only use them to propel yourself farther.
Awesome.
Now comes the hardest part. To live authentically. Part of this means rinse and repeating every step before. Fears and dreams don’t just stop because you crushed one. They keep coming, sometimes faster and more aggressively now.
“The steeper you climb, the harder you stand to fall. The stronger you get, the heavier the load.” (Further the Sky, Gabe Dixon Band)
Now is the time to be yourself, exempt from others' judgment. Share your story with people who have earned the right to hear it. Use your own experiences to connect with other human beings, to empathize with friends and strangers alike. Remind yourself that your story is your own. No one can tell you what to make of it except for yourself. Likewise, you can’t make judgments on anyone else.
Instead, ask yourself: How will my moments of rejection help me connect to others who feel rejected; how will my moments of isolation allow me to engage with isolated others; how will my answered prayers help me listen to the prayers of others? Others that may seem nothing like myself, that may seem to have no value to me, that may cry out in ways my voice does not. The next step in this journey is using story for connection.
You see, life is teaching us, if we’ll let it.
When I share bits of what I’ve learned so far, I often get texts or Facebook messages and emails from friends and wordpress readers telling me how they recently learned the same thing. A few times it’s because they moved far away from home and had a very similar experience. But most of the times, it’s because they have had a varied experience. They had children, or they had a death in the family, or they lost their job, or got an illness. Most of these weren’t experiences they asked to come knocking on their doors. And when they did, no one was glad to see them. But as Susan Jeffers says, “Perhaps the ‘lucky’ ones in life are those who have been forced to face things in their lives that we all hope we will never have to face. Once you have handled any of those things, you emerge a much stronger person… Security is not having things, it’s handling things.”
Fifty-two weeks, and those are the five things that stand out most. Email, text or call me if you can relate - I love connecting stories.
Love y’all.