Y'all. I am not dying.
At the same time, I cannot continue to think about all that is right here. Right here. I have been blessed by so much. A family that any sane person in the world would die for. (Including me.) Friends that constantly amaze me with their thoughtfulness, devotion, sincere and unconditional love and all-around wonderfulness. I mean, they put up with me. Doesn't that say enough?! A job that by all measuring sticks is the perfect fit. Life in a city, that feels like a town, but somehow feels like a big city. A place where you know everyone, but are constantly meeting new friends. A place that is growing, thriving, the talk of the country.
And don't get me started on lake days. When you can just sit in the sunshine and absorb each ray of sun as if it was charging you up for life.
And Sunday brunch when you can talk about the heavy stuff in the lightest of ways with friendly strangers and friends of 22 years.
Festivals of films, Shakespeare, the Earth, wine, art, music and everything in between, yes, even tomatoes. Each fest a new crowd, each all the same. Vivid experiences filling my life with memorable smiles.
Nashville. My favorite nickname has always been the Athens of the South. They say it's because you’re filled with universities. I say it's because you’ve taught me so much. Oh, so much. About how to be. About how not to be.
I am perfectly comfortable here. Like curled up with a good book on a warm, plush couch kind of comfortable. Literally, fireplace and all. This is my ultimate comfort zone. I know what to expect each day, I control my life. At least I feel in control. I like to be in control of my life.
But I cannot continue to think about all that is right here. It’s all right. Alright, in its own way. My life is absolutely wonderful. I’ve been given so much that I don’t come close to deserving. I could work my whole life and never deserve what I already have. And for all of these things, I will be eternally grateful. To God. To the people who I enjoy these things with. I will not take them for granted. Hopefully ever. (You better b*tch slap me faster than I can say, "Hang on, y'all!" if I ever take my life for granted.)
So, the reason I’m moving on is not because I’m dissatisfied with my life. Um, duh. How could I possibly be? Nashville has offered me its soul and I have breathed it in deeply. I have grown beyond my wildest imagination, to places I thought I would never be able to go in a lifetime, I have gone by 28. I didn’t think it was possible. I have found it possible.
It’s amazing. It’s liberating. It’s FUCKING SCARY. How much you can do when your life [real life] depends on it. Now that’s living.
Yes, there are critics. Many of them. And they are more outspoken than the supporters. They talk loud, and their faces turn red. They have figured it all out. They are set in their ways. But I’m not doing this for the critics. And I’m certainly not doing it because of them.
But then there are the quiet supporters with their hand in the small of my back, ever-increasingly pushing me forward, holding me up, letting me know they are present. They will always be there. Even when they’re not anymore. They will be with me forever with what they have taught me, what they will continue to teach me. I could not do this without them. But I’m not doing this for them either.
Ultimately, I’m doing this for me. Not the current me. The future one. The me I will be. The me I am becoming.
Life is not about the place we find ourselves standing in. I believe it’s about the place we find our hearts in. What is my condition?
Outwardly satisfactory.
Spiritually yearning. Yearning for more. They say “when you know, you know.” And, well, I know.
I know right here is exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. But I know, too, that I cannot stay here forever, neither figuratively nor literally this time. I must leave. I must force my growth. I don’t know how I will grow, but I know that the pains point to the growth ahead.
5 years and six months ago, I wrote these words: “So you spend your whole life grasping what you are afraid to lose. Never embracing anything new. So, you have what you want, but are scared to death to experience more.”
I refuse to be scared to experience more, no matter how comfortable I become. I don’t thirst for more comfort. I seek merely to grow. In life, in spirit, in wisdom, but most of all, in love.
I cannot be that person who is frightened to let go. I cannot be afraid to lose all that is wonderful in my life. Because if I am too afraid to lose it, I will never recognize that I could have gone so much farther.
Maybe if I say “I am not afraid” enough times, the fear will go away. It still hasn't gone away.
But until then, I will not let go of this life. I will breathe in deeper than before. I will drink in this moment of transition. While I can fully taste my experiences and fully enjoy the tenderness of life in person with my friends. My forgiving friends. I will live life more fully in the next few months(?) than I have in 2 years. I will.
I am not dying. But, this is my one precious life, and I intend to expend every ounce of my energy, breath and time growing. I’ve always heard, you die pretty much how you live. Well, I want to go out with a bang, so I intend on living with a bang. Here I go. I’m saying goodbye to my comfort zone. Hello to the rest of the world.